Fancy some horse racing bets before the virtual Grand National?

You could go to any of the major online bookies, but I’ve chosen Ladbrokes as it has races every 3-minutes, because I crave rapid, frequent entertainment.

This is my recommended 50p Lucky 15 (total cost £7.50 if your account isn’t restricted already).

All my selections are running at Chase Park, which is in a leafy park somewhere in Gibraltar frequented by monkees. Please don’t feed the monkees they may bite you.


16:44 I’m going for the favourite here called ‘School Pet’ as the name reminds me of me, but fortunately it isn’t overweight. Tuned up for the day apparently by trainer Gareth Malone.

16:47 This is my outsider in the hope of really’ beating the bookie’, namely ‘Long Time Sick’. His form is useless for obvious reasons, but his trainer says anti-malaria drugs prescribed by the vet, a Mr Banks, have cured the horse’s virus despite the risk of sudden death.

16:50 We’re back to the favourite here, ‘Hot Tomato’. Derek Thompson has told me that the horse’s jockey Bob Holland, of the famous Lancashire pie family, is reet up for it, and has not eaten a pie for over two weeks to do the weight. Let’s hope ‘Hot Tomato’ is ‘reet up for it’ as well.

16:53 Within 9 minutes, yes 9 we reach the getting out stakes. I can assure you based on my first three selections you’ll be looking to cash out to secure a massive profit (paid for tips are available on 08088 877777 – calls cost £40 per minute). ‘Edna’ is the one here. A mare coming into form and tipped by Alex do-da on Sky Racing.

Make sure you check Ladbrokes T&Cs to check the maximum payout for a multi-bet on the day.

Best of luck as you’ll damn well need it.

Re the National at 5.00pm. I only bet when I know the form of the horses ‘inside out’, so no selection from me. Watch, learn and make a note of one for next year when we’ll still be in lockdown.

Jimmy Justice (people should be banned for Tweeting using false names)